Memorial Day Project Translator: What I Say I’m Going To Do vs. What Will End Up Happening
I’m going to…
Weed the garden
Translation: I’m going to drive to Home Depot, decide they don’t have the type of mulch I want, drive back home and pull the heads off of a few dandelions before I get hot and resign to sitting on the couch in the air conditioning.
Clean out the garage
Translation: I’m going to pull everything out of the garage, hose it all down, put everything back and somehow have less space than when I started.
Translation: I’m going to put the cans in the trunk and forget about them for a week, at which point I’ll be headed to Billy’s baseball game and will need to put them back in the garage to make room for Billy’s equipment.
Translation: I’m going to buy a few plants, precisely dig, place, and bury the first four, then start to sweat and throw the rest of them into a series of half-dug, poorly placed, holes until I curse my decision to buy so many Annuals.
Trim the trees
Translation: I’m going to clip the lowest branches. I’ll then look up at the really tall ones and think about how much it will cost for a tree service to come out. I’ll think about this for the next six weeks.
Grill that new recipe
Translation: I’ll print off the ingredients, go to the store, realize they are missing one item on the list, abandon the entire thing and buy a pack of hotdogs and brats.
Clean the shed
Translation: See “Cleaning out the garage,” but add in spiders.
Ride the bikes
Translation: I’ll talk about taking the bikes down for three days, then I’ll talk about selling the bikes for three more days.
Translation: I’ll put all of my significant other’s stuff in a box before they notice. Hope the neighbors will take it. And maybe make a few bucks to spend on more stuff.
Play a family kickball game
2 hours of preparing, planning, and searching for the equipment, which will undoubtedly be missing, under-inflated or broken.
15 minutes of fun!
15 minutes of yelling at each other that this is supposed to be “fun”…
30 minutes of cleanup.
30 minutes of laundry.
2 hours of time-out for Billy, who decided that Kickball is synonymous with dodgeball.